Dear red states…

October 21, 2008 at 8:07 pm 4 comments

Dear Red States…

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re  taking the other Blue States with  us.

In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the entire Northeast. You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.  We get stem cell research and the best beaches. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.  We get Intel, Apple and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss. We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we will want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s  Quagmire.

With  the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the  country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce,  92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality  wines, 90 percent of all  cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur  coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven  Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and  MIT. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs),  92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of  the  tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern  Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University  of Georgia.

Additionally, you will enjoy those 38% who believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent who believe life is sacred unless we’re  discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% who say that evolution  is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was  involved in 9/11 and  61 percent of you believe you are people with higher morals than we  lefties.

Peace out, Blue States

anonymous… someone brilliant!

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4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. jonolan  |  October 21, 2008 at 8:12 pm

    The upheaval would almost be worth it just to see them go. 😉 Of course most of the businesses and industry would quickly move back to America. California’s taxation policies is already driving businesses to other states.

  • 2. loudelf  |  October 21, 2008 at 8:22 pm

    This was great, until you think about it. Since this isn’t the board game Risk, 51% of the vote does not mean 100% of the people agree. Just a few points to illustrate this: Most of your VC firms are populated with people of the red-state persuasion. According to your stats, only 12% of obese people live in blue states? Hello? Michigan, Iowa, Missouri? Your divorce rate is most-likely lower, because your marriage rate is lower. And Evolution IS a theory, as it has never been fully proven, so I guess those 44% are the same who hundreds of years ago correctly observed the world was round?

    How’s about this? Go down to Starbucks, grab a vente latte, grab your little flute, and tell your flock to follow you and your pipe, as you exit to some foreign land. I’d like to see how many actually follow.

  • 3. joeshoe  |  October 22, 2008 at 2:01 am

    Urban Archipelago

    Thought you’d get a kick out of it. It’s from ’04, but you’ll get the point.

  • 4. rebaaron  |  October 22, 2008 at 3:17 pm

    I love the Urban Archipelago!


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