Bluffer’s Guide To Going To Shul

November 18, 2009 at 1:33 am 2 comments

I don’t know who wrote this, but it’s hilarious!
UPDATE: I do know who wrote this, NW Jew, see comment below… it’s still hilarious!

Worried about looking like a shlemiel in shul?  Finding the shul service impossible to follow?  Many people suffer from what is known in religious circles as “Mainstream Judaism.”

No need to worry, however. Our team of spiritual healers have devised a cure and we are making it available to you exclusively today.  Please pass it on to anyone you know who may be suffering in silence.

“Shul Rules”  is your ten step guide to synagogue confidence.

  1. If you arrive after the start, don’t sit down right away, but instead open the book near the beginning and spend 2 or 3 minutes turning slowly through the pages while mumbling under your breath. If you recognize any of the Hebrew words, say one or two of them a little louder so those around you can hear.
  2. Find a seat just behind someone who looks like they know what’s going on (you can tell this person because they are likely to be mumbling to themselves under their breath).  Make sure this person is using the same prayer book as you.  Keep a note of what page they are on by glancing casually over their shoulder every now and again.  A pair of strong magnification glasses may help here.
  3.  When putting on the tallit, wrap it around your head for a few seconds while mumbling under your breath.
  4. Liberally sprinkle your time in shul with more barely audible mumbles as you look intently at the pages of your siddur. Again, the odd word, phrase, or line spoken accurately and a little louder than the rest goes down very well.
  5. Don’t jump up whenever the person in front does.  He may be stretching his legs.  Instead, wait a moment until a significant proportion of the congregation is standing. In this way, even if they are all stretching their legs, you won’t look conspicuous.
  6. See those guys near the front that are wandering around with an air of assurance?  These are the members of the service committee.  AVOID EYE CONTACT WITH THESE PEOPLE or you may find yourself being asked to do something strange, like opening the doors of the Aron Kodesh or, heaven forbid, saying something in Hebrew out loud to everyone.

The easiest way to look the part is to shockel.  I have met people who have won international shockelling competitions without having a clue about where in the service they were.  Advanced shockellers will even shockel

 Schockelling is an entire lesson in itself but there are two basic forms. The “lateral swing” is usually seen in ultra-orthodox congregations.  Here the practitioner is perfectly still from the waist down (feet together, naturally), while the top half of  the body repeatedly twists at a steady speed.  The “hammerhead” is more prevalent in mainstream orthodox shuls and, as the name suggests, the congregants look as if they are trying to bang a nail into the floor with their heads (I say “his” because women prefer to use this time for kibitzing or kvelling over the way their grandsons shockel).

 Shockelling mainly takes place during the silent Amidah. This is about 10 pages during which you have no idea where everyone else is.  All you do know is that if the others were really reading all the prayers involved, they would be contenders for the world speed-reading record.  You know when it starts because everyone  puts their feet together, dip at the knees, and bows. This is your cue to start shockelling while turning the pages of your prayer book approximately every 15 seconds. The end of the silent Amidah is signaled by everyone taking three short steps back, bowing to the left, the right and the centre and then looking round to see if they won.

7.  Is the Rabbi speaking in English and yet you can’t understand what he’s going on about?  If so, this is the      sermon and it’s your job to look alive.  Paying attention to the sermon is a skill that may take many years to master rather in the way that one learns how to complete diagramless crosswords.  

The formula for this particular puzzle is fairly simple. The narrative of Torah portion you have just heard plus something from local or national news equals “you should go to shul more regularly” or “your home isn’t kosher enough.”

8.  Feel free to talk to people near you at any time. Business and football are particularly appropriate topics of conversation. Seeking kavanah and listening to the sermon will be regarded with suspicion in most communities.

10.  If you can keep your cool until the end of the service, you will be rewarded.  At last something that is familiar, and a chance to clear your throat and give it some as you bash out Ein Kelohaynu and Adon Olam, just like you did at cheder all those years ago.

One final word of warning.  If it goes well and you feel confident enough to go back for a second week running, you will be classified as a regular.  This means there is a very good chance you will be asked to be the next synagogue president.

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Finally, Shul Web Sites Coming Of Age On Engaging Jewish Adults (Without Qualifying Adjectives)

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